I just attended an amazing medical qigong class and I finally feel like myself again. I have been in what can best be called a funk, but is really the nauseating feeling that you get when looking into the abyss and being afraid to take the leap. The longer you stand there, the more drained you get. I have been losing confidence and losing myself. I really needed an energy boost to start to believe in myself again. I love the flow of the energy with the fluid qigong movements. The teacher explained that the body movements help you to tune in and feel the energy flow, and then when you are well attuned to it, you can just visualize the energy flow.
In my Strategic Inspired Healing practice, I work with quantum energy healing, so I often work in a meditative, intuitive space and I can offer distance healing. Along with some huge spiritual growth this year, my body has been craving more physical involvement and connection. It has helped me heal from the PTSD that I developed a few years ago after I experienced 3 traumatic and dramatic moments in the same week.
I have been having a rough time at this part of my healing journey. It feels like standing at the end of a really high diving board and not wanting to jump into the unknown. I have some amazing friends that have been cheering me on and convincing me that there really will be water in the pool when I finally jump.
This whole year I have been learning to tune in to that kind of deep trust in the universe by first actually feeling it in my physical body. I learned to downhill ski for the first time this year despite a huge fear of heights. Then when spring came, I climbed the local high ropes course and even tried one with multiple courses on a pirate ship in the Old Port in Montreal. You literally have to walk the plank and then jump!
If you are not ready to try climbing or jumping or skiing off of snowy mountains, then try yoga or dance or qigong. I have added dancing for joy at least twice a week into my exercise routine as a mental, emotional and energetic boost. Qigong is a gentle and lovely way to release all the stored gunk from every cell, and then fill all my meridians and energy centers with beautiful flowing chi. If you don’t have a local class, try some videos online.
A few years ago, in meditation, I received the message that it was time to Trust and to Surrender. As a childhood abuse and trauma survivor, I have developed so many strategies to keep going, keep functioning, keep trying. I never let them see me hurting. I stay hyper-vigilant at all times. I have developed so many self-protective habits that the idea of surrendering enough to let go, and trusting that everything would be okay, is a terrifying prospect.
So just like my first experience with downhill skiing, I had to stay frozen at the top of the diving board for a time while I figured out what to do next. And maybe this next big leap of faith will be like that one.
The first time I went down the big hill I chickened out mid-turn and fell head over heels down the mountain and hurt so many parts of myself, but mostly my pride. I also need to look back on that and realize that in the grand scheme of things, I was actually okay after all. Even though from where I stood frozen, it looked like the world just dropped off to nowhere, when I finally went over that cliff it turned out that there was just more snow and I made it to the bottom of the mountain somehow and I am here writing about it later.
A big part of my healing journey has been in finding the courage to speak my truth. I had to stop hiding the secrets from my past that were making me physically sick and keeping me from really living. More importantly, I needed to learn in the present moment how to be true to myself, which I practiced in little baby steps like making it a habit to stop saying that I’m fine. Now I try to answer more honestly when someone asks how I am. I lead women’s circles where we practice sharing our true feelings that are often hidden underneath the culturally acceptable answers. This tends to bother people though because they would prefer the memorized answer so that they can go about their day undisturbed. When you answer their social nicety with “I’m heartbroken, how are you?” it leaves them shaking their head.
I have a new friend that gifted me with a fabulous expression to remember in these moments. They explained to me that when someone says that they are fine it actually means “f*** up, insecure, neurotic, and emotional.” So now I can answer FINE and laugh to myself about how true that can be without disturbing the peace.
I have spent the majority of my life (all but the first 3 years I’d say) hiding and editing myself. I have been scared to let people see the real me, because then I would face even more rejection. I was already unlovable. What if they saw how broken and horrible that I really was? It took so much courage to share my story, but even then, I edited myself to make it more palatable. I left out the disturbing details and the worst parts of the story and just told my readers enough to get the idea that I am strong because I am a survivor. I want people to understand that the perfectionism, the multi-tasking and strategizing and studying and hard work are all just survivor-tools that I use to feel safe because I have never felt protected or cherished or adored.
It keeps coming to my attention just how much I use these tools all of the time. The universe is telling me that it is time to stop working so hard just to survive, and that it is time to thrive.
I am ready to jump into joy.
I cannot say thank you enough to my support team, my cheerleaders, my teachers and coaches, advocates and mentors and midwives. You are widening my horizons and I love you all.
Blessings on all of your healing moments. -Michelle